Hot Pockets has a .org.

It’s claimy. It packs a powerful message prompting people to “Join the Movement” and “Lay down your forks, brothers and sisters.” It has all the screen-printed trappings of a grassroots, civil rights movement that deserves our attention. It prompts viewers to submit photos and upload videos. It urges us to take back our right to eat.

Again, this is for Hot Pockets.

It seems Hot Pockets hired a fancy new guerilla marketing team to engage their customers and attract a hip, young, no-nonsense crowd of movers and shakers. They want to market to those of us who flip the bird to the old “sit down and eat” regime. For far too long, restaurants, our families, dates, big brother, and the status quo have demanded that we sit quietly and use all manner of plates and cutlery while we eat. How dare they.

Take back your freedom. Eat a Hot Pocket while you’re walking somewhere.
Hot Pockets are the frozen food items described by Jim Gaffigan as “a Pop Tart filled with nasty meat.”

The t-shirts say, “I can sit and eat when I’m dead.” Eat Hot Pockets and you can hasten that process.

I hope these misguided marketing execs approach the people at Activia, too.

With all the viable excuses in the world—family emergency, gridlock traffic, food poisoning—this person makes the worst excuse I’ve ever heard from an adult.

“If [the clients] call, tell them I’m stuck in an elevator.”

So this inspired the following list: Better excuses than “If they call, tell them I’m stuck in an elevator”:

If they call, tell them I…

* Said Beetlejuice 3 times.

* Took the red pill this morning.

* Am reliving the same day over and over in Puxatawney, PA, and I will return when my character arc is complete.

* Took the physical challenge.

* Walked into a musical; got swept away by song and became a back up dancer.

* Was called in at the last minute to coach a Jamaican bobsled team.

* Ran into the guy from Quantum Leap, and he said he wanted to show me something.

* Was unexpectedly selected to be on week-long makeover show.

* Hailed the Cash Cab.

* Had to avenge my parents’ deaths real quick.

* Got into heated “Tastes Great, Less Filling” debate.

There is a distinct lack of mid-level positions. And when an opportunity does arise, job posters realize that there is an astounding amount of unemployed people who are going to apply (especially in the creative sector), and they make you TRY OUT for the position, no matter how meaningless.  As a result, there are extremely talented, motivated, senior-level people fighting to the death Roman Gladiator-style to get noticed for jobs like “Entry Level Copy-And-Paster / Phone Answerer wanted; Hours 8:30am to 6:30pm. Must have 5+ years experience and be proficient in HTML and CSS.”

If you’re looking for an unpaid internship or a position as senior exec / CFO of a major corporation or institution, you’re in luck. Be warned that, in either case, there is a distinct possibility (20% or so) that you may hang yourself or dive under a moving train.

So it appears that it’s either kill or be killed (by yourself or someone else). 
 Either way, someone is going to die. Probably you, and probably soon.

You will die unemployed, unloved and alone. At the funeral parlor, they will have laid off the hair and makeup artist because, well, that just seems wasteful in these times – doing the hair and makeup of a dead person – and you will surely die ugly as well.

It’s best to die, then, in a way that won’t leave any remains to avoid looking like a hot mess in your casket – which is why I predict a rush on jobs in the Alaskan crabbing industry or coal mining. Choose your own ending: you can either be swallowed whole by the ocean or be buried alive 300 feet below the Earth’s surface.  It’s going to be all the rage this summer. Move over, RayBans and hot pants. Told you so! Get ready for me to say that a lot.

List 1: Jobs and job openings I can’t believe exist

If it weren’t for a few key factors, I’d probably apply for these jobs. I’ll ask you in advance not to judge me. I’m judging myself sufficiently for both of us.

1) “Rewrite product descriptions for adult novelties”
“We are seeking a permanent part time writer to rewrite adult novelty product descriptions. This gig requires 250 rewrites per month (100-200 words per description). This gig pays $500 per month via Paypal. Each rewrite must be unique. We will provide complete parameters to assist you.”

This post is courtesy of Craigslist from April 23. I’m a little unclear. Why do they need to be re-written? Who is writing the originals, and why does that person(s) still have a job? I think the job post should be, “Seeking one exceedingly talented adult-novelty writer to replace the one who needs to have everything re-written.”

 But don’t let me tell you how to run your adult-toy business.

I don’t know much or anything about writing for adult novelties, but if I did, I would think 200 words is excessive. Descriptions must be unique? How many ways can you discreetly spell out “Put this in” or “Put it in this”?

I would love to read that corporate guidebook and these “complete parameters” of which they speak.

But wait – don’t go sending your resume and adult-themed writing samples in just yet (they explicitly say not to). You have to try out, first: 

“To be considered for this gig please request our product description for rewrite. All potential writers will receive the exact same product description to rewrite.”

Trying out for a job that’s beneath you and somewhat embarrassing? Isn’t that just a half-cup of salt poured into a paper cut.

2) Vice President, Drexel University

I know, right?

I found this in the City Paper’s job search website, right in between Sr. Documentation Specialist for Merck and Director of Clinical Development, Oncology for GlaxoSmithKline.

Finding these posts in the Free Paper’s Classifieds, where you’d expect to find more of the “donate blood and participate in pharmaceutical drug studies” kinds of posts was, admittedly, a little disturbing.

“The Vice President for Development will be a key person in the successful development of fund raising strategies to ensure the achievement of the Drexel University College of Medicines ambitious goals for growth and expansion.

Qualifications
The successful candidate will be an energetic, upbeat, self-assured leader of stature, able to infuse the university and its programs with a sense of pride, purpose, and excellence. The candidate will possess an advanced degree or an appropriate equivalent blend of education and experience, while also having significant senior-level institutional advancement experience in a complex institution.”

OK, well it’s not actually a post for VP of the University.

 Still.

After 3 more lengthy paragraphs of job description that consists mostly of vague character descriptions and almost no actual qualifications, I am beginning to think that I’m perfect for the job. “- providing leadership, vision, and effective management…” I could totally do this. I should ask about their dress code and policy on tattoos.

3) JEWISH EGG DONOR NEEDED by LOVING JEWISH COUPLE $20,000+ not an agency

Once again, Craigslist provides a real gem.

$20 grand for a couple of cells? “You will not need to carry a pregnancy.” Wow. Just – wow. I can’t believe I’m not Jewish. I’m going to have to double check with the family again like I did when I was 7 and didn’t understand why I’m not Jewish.

Because I’m angry and this is how I deal with things, I’d like to share with you the funnier parts of the post:

* Jewish with a biological mother who was born Jewish
* Prefer if your biological father was also born Jewish
So you can’t be any old convert – you have to come with papers.

* A woman between 18 and 33 years old
They want the good eggs – none of those asthmatic, bench-warmer eggs.

* Warm, caring, responsible, reliable
* Motivated and passionate about what you do
* An individual with high self esteem
a) I’m not going to sit here and pretend I wouldn’t give a dozen eggs to the first person who offered me money, but I would think that someone would have to possess at least a small amount of emotional distance to donate her eggs to strangers. Otherwise, there’s that possibility where the donor will go all Lifetime-movie-crazy and try to kidnap the baby after its born, and nobody wants that.
b) Motivation, passion, responsibility, high self-esteem – at the risk of starting a nature v. nurture argument, I think those are more “how you raise your child” rather than “where did these eggs come from.”

*Highly intelligent with high IQ, SAT Scores & GPA (Please Include Scores)
Hurry up and get your transcripts, ladies! It would help to include letters of recommendation from 3 professors.

* Attractive  * At healthy body weight
No fatties, please. No uglies, either, for that matter.

Gifted, hot, slender, compassionate, responsible, fertile? And the hunt for the Unicorn continues. 

But I guess if they’re paying $20,000, they’re willing to pay for designer quality and aren’t going to settle for just anyone’s bargain-basement, slightly irregular DNA.

Also of note:
*It was found in the “Etcetera Jobs” section.
There are so many “we need your eggs” posts there, they should change the category to “Eggs-cetera.”

* “Please e-mail us in confidence… including your age, SAT Scores verbal/math etc., highlighting what you feel is special about you and whatever other information you feel comfortable sharing,”

* “…with a recent photo if possible”

* “…to lovingjewishcouple@yahoo.com”

I’m going to try positing an argument to them, via email, that my eggs are not aware whether or not they are Jewish. They have no religious, spiritual, or socio-political leanings yet. My eggs will believe whatever they want to believe when they are ready to make that sort of decision, and I will accept them no matter what; that’s the kind of relationship we have.

Also, I don’t have a recent photo of my eggs. The one I have is a few years old and doesn’t do them justice.

I might write a “Who needs some Eggs – Fire Sale” post and get rid of some of mine. It’s like the 5 bags of clothing I recently donated to the thrift store – if I’m not using them, someone else may as well.

I guess this is where we draw the line:
Now Apple Apologises Over Shaken Baby Game

Look at us, suddenly, with our precious and delicate sensibilities.
Are our economic times this disparaging that our collective sense of humor no longer finds this funny?

Does this mean I’m going to have to table my viral meningitis app concept?