All but this one, I should say.

1) “Free 1986 Pontiac Grand Am…

Whoa, what?

….Owner’s Manual”

Of course.

“Used paperback in good condition. About 5 pages have pen or pencil marking. Please pick up in Quakertown or we can mail it for honest shipping charge. Thanks.”

Well, kick-start my heart and pour some sugar on me! I already have the 1985 and the 1987 owners manuals, so I guess it’s time to complete my set. I sincerely hope those pencil markings are lyrics to “Hot for Teacher.”

Since the last time you saw a 1986 Pontiac Grand Am was underneath Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video, here you go:

I just want to tie up my oversized button-down shirt, grab a chamois and get to sudsing, don’t you?

BLUE SPRUSE TREE (NE PHILA)

While this one didn’t quite qualify, it’s worth repeating. And yes, that’s how he or she spelled spruce.

“LOOKING FOR ANYONE THAT WANTS A 45 FOOT BLUE SPRUCE. IT IS STILL IN THE GROUND IN GREAT SHAPE. LOOKING FOR SOMEONE THAT WANTS IT TO DIG IT UP OR CUT IT DOWN.”

I think the most important element of this post is the “dig it up” option. I’d like to transplant a 45-foot tree in my back yard, but I guess I’d better hope there’s not a lot of traffic back to Philly. Vertically or horizontally, that’s going to be a lot of bungee cords.

And now for the winners…

5. Men’s rollerblades

I was hoping that this post would be the rollerblade owner’s long overdue epiphany that rollerblading is as embarrassing as slipping on a puddle of your own drool.

Not at all.

“Black molded vinyl shell with soft, removable boot inside; buckle closure; 4 in-line wheels
One pair Men’s size 12
Free to a good home!”

It seems this person has adopted the “If you love something, give it away for free on the internet” philosophy. He wants someone to give it a caring, fur-ever home. He will likely insist on a home inspection to make sure you have a fenced in back yard and that you have no other aggressive rollerblades already living with you that may pose a threat.

4. FREE ORGAN!!! WORKS GREAT!!! (Q-town)
At first, I was sure that someone was hocking his internal organs via Craigslist, like a gently-used kidney or as-is liver. It’s not the push, pull or drag organ give-away I was anticipating, but this post is still intriguing.

“wife says, “Gotta Go!!” First come …..first serve Plays well!!
Craig”
I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.
I guess this post is still somewhat mystifying without the image:

3. Free full size zerox copier (gilbertsville,pa 19525)
Looks like we were total suckers when we bought our photocopier off Craigslist last summer for $100. That’s initially what drew me to the post – that and the spelling of Xerox.

“i have an office sized photocopier. it worked fine when last used.”

OK, that sounds reasonable. Then things take a turn.

“its been sitting on my front porch for a couple months, under a roof. not sure if weather has affected it or not. its free if you want it.”

How many photocopiers does one need to have before it’s acceptable to make one ‘the outside photocopier’?

I’m sure his neighbors are sitting on a stained-up couch on their front porch, staring at the photocopier and muttering about how the neighborhood has gone to hell.

I’m also sure – and I’m nobody’s electrician – that leaving a copy machine on your front porch during the winter would likely render it useless.

“Come get it, when its gone i will delete the post. if its not gone by tuesday, it goes to the dump.”

Now he’s suddenly in a hurry? It’s been snowed on for months. Is company coming? Also: sorry, but I don’t appreciate pushy guilt trips from someone who is slightly less responsible than I.

2. free bath gel, costume jewelry & shawl (folcroft)

“i was stood up by the guy who was suppossed to pick this up so it’s on here again–if you want it, please leave me your phone number and i’ll call you and give you my address.”

Oh, the seedy underbelly of Curb Alert. Is this 90% of the “Lure Young Girls to Your Van – Starter Kit”? Maybe he’s keeping the teacup set and candy in case he has company. Too soon?

“fast pick up wanted preferably tonight or tomorrow. Thanks”

Pay no mind to the tag that says “Crime Scene Evidence.”

I just got the creepy shivers. Did you?

Nothing lightens the mood quite like….

1. Toilet lid – Beige.
In good shape (South Philly, 24th and Jackson)

Oh, the used toilet lid – that old chestnut. I know it may seem like an obvious choice, but there is a reason things become classic.

What’s this I hear about you just giving away a toilet lid? Talk to me, post – sell me.
“Title says it all.”
Straight and to the point. I like your MO. What’s the history? Does it have papers?
“Was removed during a remodel.”
I’d be crazy to pass this by. When is the earliest I can pick it up?
“Available Sunday morning.”
I’ll swing by after church. How’s 6:45 am?

After reading this I had to wonder if people still cling to the nineties and fashion naval jewelry. Aside from the news itself, the most upsetting part of this posting was the message that accompanied the title. I will paste it into this passage so you may read for yourself. Nothing I could say could compare to the mere description of said jewelry.

Hello!
So in cleaning out my jewlery box, I’ve come across a few belly button rings that I no longer wear. Mostly curved barbells in a 14 gauge. One is clear plastic balls, one is multicolored an sparkly, one is a blacklight ring that looks yellow and white in regular light, a twisted black metal one, a white ball one, a blue metal with a clear “diamond” and a sheild that you can put on any belly button ring. I’m located in Jackson Heights, off of the 7 train. Thanks.

Aside from the poor grammar, you’re not going to make a good sales person (free or not) if one of your main selling points involves a black-light. The diminishing franchise of Spencer Gifts should illustrate my point. I also feel that most people aren’t so much going to jump at something with the word diamond surrounded by quotation marks.

1. Free Manure

Thank God! I was just saying the other day how sick and tired I was for having to fork over cash for my horse dookie.

Free seasoned horse manure!
Shovel all you need yourself OR I will load YOUR truck or trailer with my loader for a small loading fee. I will now deliver a load in my dump trailer. Trailer holds an estimated 5 yards. Delivery WITHIN THE TOWN of BROOKHAVEN only. Charge depends on location in the town. The Manure is free.
I can arrange to have up to 30 yards delivered onto the north fork for a very reasonable trucking fee.

30 yards of manure you say? I would have assumed that we would measure manure in weight rather than distance. This manure is also seasoned, whatever that means. Call me a city slicker, but with what does one season manure and more importantly, what poor son of a b*tch call this a job? I must commend this gentleman on how easy he is making transporting the dung. If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s lots of red tape at the manure depot.

1. 10 packs of pita bread—6 pieces to a pack

I can only assume that this is the result of either a failed diet or Mediterranean themed restaurant. The listing itself is quick and matter of fact: 1^st come, 1^st serve, followed with “Steve” and a phone number. This probably should have been my #5, but I really want to know why someone doesn’t just freeze the stuff and eat it slowly? The more I thought about why someone would give away food via craigslist, the more I wondered how lazy is Steve? Is there not a shelter or church that this food could be made to better use instead of trying to start a c-list bidding war? I guess I could go back and forth with this for years. After all, they still don’t know who killed Kennedy.

1. Three Years of Play Girl Magazines For FREE FREE FREE

Over 36 playgirl magazines MINT for free. No space. Must go this weekend. Please Call April Davids

Wow! The imagination just goes wild with why someone suddenly needs to get rid of a bunch of porn. All I can wonder is what sort of responses this could have possibly evoked. I’m glad to see, however, that rather than just dumping 3 years worth of porn into the nearest dumpster that some effort has been made to find it a nice home.

1. Two Chickens for Free

When I first came across this title I assumed it was another person giving away food. When I clicked on the listing to confirm my assumption my jaw proceeded to slack.

hello i bought these 2 little chicks for my kids on easter..and now they are about 4 weeks old old and growing..i dont want to bring them back to the pet store..so if you have a yard and know how to care for chickens..there yours. one is yellow and one is black with some white

Stop rubbing your eyes, that’s right, live baby chickens. The most entertaining part of this ad would be the implied “surprise” the author received when the chickens began to mature. It brings me great joy that this author offered us the back story of how he/she attempted to return the chicks. I can only wonder how that went down,

“…excuse me, these chickens started grow up. I have my receipt; can I have my money back?” Maybe, “When I purchased these chickens, no one told me that they would grow-up and not remain babies indefinitely, I’d like my money back please.” My third and final scenario, “Hi, I bought these chickens and realized that I have no idea how to care for baby chickens. What is your return policy?”

When your present is living, make sure of a few things. First, ask yourself, “Is an upper west side apartment, live-stock appropriate?” Next, remember that much like your own offspring, all baby things grow-up. Lastly, your brain is located in your head. Your head is that lump three feet above your ass.

5: Sawdust

This post is noteworthy not just because I can’t think of many practical uses for sawdust beyond absorbing liquids (ie: vomit in elementary school cafeterias). It’s the way in which the poster seems to be positing a true or false question followed by a phone number:

“Cabinet shop has lots of sawdust. ” And that’s it. I should call and say, “true,” because I’d imagine that’s true.

4: Grass Clippings
Again – this is all in how the post is phrased:
“have lawn full of grass if you want the clippings come on over and take them. my address is 9 old state rd in media ask for Mr. John Cooper Thank you.”
Sounds like Mr. Cooper wants you to come and mow his lawn in exchange for all the clippings you can rake, bag and haul away.

3: Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt!
Um, why didn’t you just say so!
Yes, that’s 4 times the poster said “dirt” in the heading. 3 times just wasn’t enough. Right off the bat, he addresses the obvious:
“why pay for whats free?” Interesting. I’m listening, go on…
“In my backyard I have about a ton of dirt and stone mix. Decorative brick chips were shoveled off, with some underlying dirt as well.”
Sounds good, but is it all bagged and ready to go?
“It is all bagged and ready to go.”
SOLD! What an effective ad campaign for free dirt.

But the top two need little to no elaboration:

2. Kombucha babies [Tea claimed to be a fountain of youth, made from scary yeast patties you have to grow in huge jars. Look it up on Wikipedia.]

“i started brewing my own kombucha and have lots of babies/ SCOBY’s. i would rather give them away than throw them away. i can also give you a cup or so of starter. you must meet me near where i live, 49th and springfield (evenings/ weekends).”

Sometimes I miss living in West Philly. And also: gross.
There is a tie for #1.

1b: Tracheotomy Supplies
“I have a bunch of tracheotomy supplies. Free to anyone that needs them. Had a temporary trach and have way more supplies than were needed. Email and we can arrange pick up or prepaid shipping. I would rather not throw these in the trash and a hospital/doctors office cannot take them. I”

(Yes, it does end in I. Maybe he or she needed those supplies after all.)

I didn’t know what I was looking for – until I saw this.

1a: Salt looking for pepper (Havertown)

Sounds like a Personal ad misplaced on curb alert, but no.

“I have one salt or pepper shaker…broke the other one before I even used them. Can anyone use just one? It’s Mikasa “Garden Splendor” with what looks to be a silver plate top. 5 inches tall. Maybe you just need new tops? Hate to just throw it away.”

Did your grammy write this? Or is this a sign that
“The Great Depression 2: Back in Black” is underway?

So lonely. So cold.