Let’s be candid, there’s some great stuff circulating on the internet. I will take this time to freely admit that there are some videos out there I would watch until my eyes bled. I know I am not alone in this when I examine hit-counters on sites such as You Tube reaching into the millions. For some strange reason, this adoration for some of the more popular internet videos mutates into another strange, not uncommon phenomena I will call video-cover-bands. These are people who for some strange reason feel the need to record themselves imitating or re-creating their beloved You Tube bit. The best example I could name would be the, “My New Haircut” video. This video embodies the stereotypes of those of Italian decent who reside in Queens, Philadelphia and most parts of New Jersey. More specifically, an in-depth examination on what it is like to binge drink, live with your Mother as an adult and even the effects of whey protein powders. The cult-like following this particular video received made it a prime target for the video-cover-band phenomena. By simply searching for the “My New Haircut” video you will not only turn up the original, but exact replicas substituting different creeds and ethnicities. I have to wonder if this is just our nature as humans to continually re-invent the wheel or if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. However, imitation isn’t the sincerest form of comedy. When you’re sitting at your desk watching something hilarious sent to you by your friend in the midst of the work day, simply enjoy. Whatever voice is telling you to perform your off-off-Broadway version of Brenda Dickson’s Welcome to my Home Parody 2, ignore it. At this rate, we’ll soon be petitioning the Olympic committee to instate dead-horse-kicking onto the event roster. Most internet videos are funny once and unless it’s a regularly installed series, are best left alone. Don’t get me wrong; keep on filming, just no more “My New Haircut(s).” After all, I’m not going to be reduced to doing work at work.

Not to worry, I wont’ launch into all of fate’s cruel parlor tricks of the week, but there are a few highlights that I would love to share with the rest of the “feeling circle.” Roughly four weeks ago, Monday morning I sat down at my desk and began the week’s tasks. My inbox had a message from my CEO with a 12:45 AM time stamp and the title, “New Marketing Language” in the subject line. I already felt my stomach begin to churn in the same way as when I purchase breakfast from a street vendor. Inside the email read the following,

“I think we need to change our company statement from a multi-cultural brand to a multi-global brand. Kelly, can you work with the webmaster and the PR firm this morning to get this project under-way?”

I had to re-read the email seven or eight more times to ensure that I was in fact not high. I wasn’t sure what would be less painful, explaining to my boss that most companies only market to Earth and not the other planets or simply adhering to his wishes and allowing myself and the rest of my colleagues to look like utter morons. I decided to take the trickier of the two tasks and approached my boss after the morning meeting. Before I could clear up what the term, “multi-global brand” suggested, he walked by me as if I were a mirage and left the office. It was then that I had realized a third option; pretend that the email never existed in the first place. This seemed to work flawlessly until this past Monday.

I rolled into the office early to try and get caught up on work since I had spent the better portion of the previous Friday enjoying you tube and lounging in Madison Square Park. The first email waiting in my inbox was what turned out to be the inevitable, a follow-up email from my boss regarding the “multi-global” project. I felt my colon constrict almost immediately and I knew it was now or never. I walked up to the door and stood there for a moment trying to figure out the nicest way to tell someone that they were an idiot. I entered the office and tried to remain as calm as possible. After a brief exchange, I managed to delicately explain that multi-global implies that we are marketing to such exotic locations as Mars, Neptune and Uranus. I purposely said Uranus because I knew he would find it funny, make a joke that would make me off-the-charts uncomfortable and most importantly, see my point. Thankfully, he did and I was able to get out of the situation mostly unscathed.

This was pretty much the litmus for the week ahead and by no means was I prepared for the surprises that presented themselves. I did, however, find solace before it was all said and done. Not the kind of solace that involves me filling my coffee mug with the boxed merlot we have laying around. It is the kind found in the SNL sketch below. Happy Friday and enjoy.

Vincet Price Thanksgiving Special

Essentially, this woman rants and rants about her ex-husband’s short comings in the bedroom for what feels like days. It tediously continues with her leafing through their wedding album describing people as “evil,” “bad” and/or “nasty.” If we weren’t horrified enough, Tricia decides to green light her crazy impulsive side by calling Phillip’s company. This results in her explaining to an assistant her less than mediocre sex life with a man 25 years her senior.

Thankfully, America has decided to indulge this ticking time-bomb with over 150,000 hits. Finally, someone had blazed a trail for crazy exes everywhere to take a stand via you tube. I guess creating a video index of people who go nuts when you break-up with them would come in handy for those of us who are in the dating pool. I think we can all relate to Phillip to a greater or lesser degree. Haven’t we all found our selves dating, living with or married to someone so unstable that you’d easily imagine finding their names in psychology text book indexes? The lesson in all of this is a simple one; google anyone you are considering to date. Besides being studied, Tricia Walsh-Smith should be commended for raising the bar on pissed of divorcees everywhere.

In all her glory, Tricia Walsh

The internet is more than just a better way to obtain porn without shame. It can actually help you do other things besides masturbate, self-promote and/or kill time at work. Wikihow.com is the handy, dandy site that helps answer such questions as: “How Do I Fold a Fitted Sheet?” or “How Do I Re-upholster a Chair?” Wikihow.com can be an excellent source to answer all those questions you didn’t know you needed answered. However, certain parts of life should not be broken down into a 4 or 5 step process.

While clicking around Wikihow.com I found an entry titled, “How to Give a Girl a Perfect Date.” After clicking on the link I was surprised that this venture only involves 5 steps, 5 tips and 5 other links offering advice on related topics including: “How to Date a Bisexual.” The first of these five steps: Buy her a present, her favorite flower or a little bear, if you really like her you could even get her a necklace or locket! Girls love that! They just like jewelry, especially if it has her name spelled correctly on it. The next step: Let her choose the place unless she doesn’t want to, if not then ask her friends what things she enjoys doing so you know for sure that she will have a good time. Third: Find out what she is interested in. This will keep the conversation going. If you run out of things to say, e.g. if she likes dancing then maybe say ’so how is your dancing going?’ This next step is key: Only go as far as she wants to, don’t force yourself on her because you will scare her off! If she just wants to hold hands, that’s fine, respect her. She will come to you because you are going out on a date so she obviously likes you! Lastly: Compliment her; tell her she is beautiful – not sexy, beautiful. Let’s review, shall we? Girls like material possessions. This article confirms that in fact, women are materialistic and the first logical step would be jewelry. Also, correct spelling of her name is key if this item calls for engraving. Hound her friends for information, it’s not that creepy. Every girl secretly wants a guy that lacks imagination and would sooner jump at the chance to be taken to the Olive Garden rather than something risky like a Thai place she’s never been to before. Remember, rape is bad. I’m glad that the good people at wikihow.com made it a point to remind all the gents out there that “no” in fact means “no.” Lastly, sexy-bad, beautiful-good, got it? Great! Now go and impress that special girl like it is 1955!

To see these tips for yourself-

http://www.wikihow.com/Give-a-Girl-the-Perfect-Date