I was watching Cops because it was a day of the week. I fully own my love of the show, so just saying I love Cops is no news. My love for trannies has always existed in some unorganized form, but it has now fully manifested itself and is, dare I say, transcendent. There – I’ve said it. Transcendent.

In this episode, the alleged balloon-stealing perpetrators are just the sassiest trannies I’ve ever seen. They speak to the officers like they are about to enter a cage match over the last pair of size 10, chunky white sandals at Bare Feet Shoes.

I keep coming back to the word “fierce” to describe the event, and I think I should go with my gut.

The inexplicable balloon-stealing was the episode’s inciting incident which was never fully explained but followed by a string of improbable stories about an ID, buying beer and the old chestnut about a cousin visiting from El Paso. It ended with disorderly conduct, outstanding warrants and empty promises from a lady and her unsettlingly maroon eyebrows. The story in between was pure gold-tone.

I fondly remember another episode with trannies who had similarly distracting eyebrows, but this time the story involved broken bottles, a bar fight and suspected prostitution. The girls in question claimed it was too hot in there (hence the underwear – allegedly a skirt) and that they were definitely not the scantily clad women throwing the bottles. This story, too, ends with disorderly conduct and an arrest with a hint of a trespassing order.

I would like you to take away two items from these stories:
The trannies on Cops are (1) poor liars and (2) disorderly.

I’m also proud to be the first person ever to write the words balloon, stealing and trannies next to each other. My work here is obviously done.