There is a distinct lack of mid-level positions. And when an opportunity does arise, job posters realize that there is an astounding amount of unemployed people who are going to apply (especially in the creative sector), and they make you TRY OUT for the position, no matter how meaningless.  As a result, there are extremely talented, motivated, senior-level people fighting to the death Roman Gladiator-style to get noticed for jobs like “Entry Level Copy-And-Paster / Phone Answerer wanted; Hours 8:30am to 6:30pm. Must have 5+ years experience and be proficient in HTML and CSS.”

If you’re looking for an unpaid internship or a position as senior exec / CFO of a major corporation or institution, you’re in luck. Be warned that, in either case, there is a distinct possibility (20% or so) that you may hang yourself or dive under a moving train.

So it appears that it’s either kill or be killed (by yourself or someone else). 
 Either way, someone is going to die. Probably you, and probably soon.

You will die unemployed, unloved and alone. At the funeral parlor, they will have laid off the hair and makeup artist because, well, that just seems wasteful in these times – doing the hair and makeup of a dead person – and you will surely die ugly as well.

It’s best to die, then, in a way that won’t leave any remains to avoid looking like a hot mess in your casket – which is why I predict a rush on jobs in the Alaskan crabbing industry or coal mining. Choose your own ending: you can either be swallowed whole by the ocean or be buried alive 300 feet below the Earth’s surface.  It’s going to be all the rage this summer. Move over, RayBans and hot pants. Told you so! Get ready for me to say that a lot.

List 1: Jobs and job openings I can’t believe exist

If it weren’t for a few key factors, I’d probably apply for these jobs. I’ll ask you in advance not to judge me. I’m judging myself sufficiently for both of us.

1) “Rewrite product descriptions for adult novelties”
“We are seeking a permanent part time writer to rewrite adult novelty product descriptions. This gig requires 250 rewrites per month (100-200 words per description). This gig pays $500 per month via Paypal. Each rewrite must be unique. We will provide complete parameters to assist you.”

This post is courtesy of Craigslist from April 23. I’m a little unclear. Why do they need to be re-written? Who is writing the originals, and why does that person(s) still have a job? I think the job post should be, “Seeking one exceedingly talented adult-novelty writer to replace the one who needs to have everything re-written.”

 But don’t let me tell you how to run your adult-toy business.

I don’t know much or anything about writing for adult novelties, but if I did, I would think 200 words is excessive. Descriptions must be unique? How many ways can you discreetly spell out “Put this in” or “Put it in this”?

I would love to read that corporate guidebook and these “complete parameters” of which they speak.

But wait – don’t go sending your resume and adult-themed writing samples in just yet (they explicitly say not to). You have to try out, first: 

“To be considered for this gig please request our product description for rewrite. All potential writers will receive the exact same product description to rewrite.”

Trying out for a job that’s beneath you and somewhat embarrassing? Isn’t that just a half-cup of salt poured into a paper cut.

2) Vice President, Drexel University

I know, right?

I found this in the City Paper’s job search website, right in between Sr. Documentation Specialist for Merck and Director of Clinical Development, Oncology for GlaxoSmithKline.

Finding these posts in the Free Paper’s Classifieds, where you’d expect to find more of the “donate blood and participate in pharmaceutical drug studies” kinds of posts was, admittedly, a little disturbing.

“The Vice President for Development will be a key person in the successful development of fund raising strategies to ensure the achievement of the Drexel University College of Medicines ambitious goals for growth and expansion.

Qualifications
The successful candidate will be an energetic, upbeat, self-assured leader of stature, able to infuse the university and its programs with a sense of pride, purpose, and excellence. The candidate will possess an advanced degree or an appropriate equivalent blend of education and experience, while also having significant senior-level institutional advancement experience in a complex institution.”

OK, well it’s not actually a post for VP of the University.

 Still.

After 3 more lengthy paragraphs of job description that consists mostly of vague character descriptions and almost no actual qualifications, I am beginning to think that I’m perfect for the job. “- providing leadership, vision, and effective management…” I could totally do this. I should ask about their dress code and policy on tattoos.

3) JEWISH EGG DONOR NEEDED by LOVING JEWISH COUPLE $20,000+ not an agency

Once again, Craigslist provides a real gem.

$20 grand for a couple of cells? “You will not need to carry a pregnancy.” Wow. Just – wow. I can’t believe I’m not Jewish. I’m going to have to double check with the family again like I did when I was 7 and didn’t understand why I’m not Jewish.

Because I’m angry and this is how I deal with things, I’d like to share with you the funnier parts of the post:

* Jewish with a biological mother who was born Jewish
* Prefer if your biological father was also born Jewish
So you can’t be any old convert – you have to come with papers.

* A woman between 18 and 33 years old
They want the good eggs – none of those asthmatic, bench-warmer eggs.

* Warm, caring, responsible, reliable
* Motivated and passionate about what you do
* An individual with high self esteem
a) I’m not going to sit here and pretend I wouldn’t give a dozen eggs to the first person who offered me money, but I would think that someone would have to possess at least a small amount of emotional distance to donate her eggs to strangers. Otherwise, there’s that possibility where the donor will go all Lifetime-movie-crazy and try to kidnap the baby after its born, and nobody wants that.
b) Motivation, passion, responsibility, high self-esteem – at the risk of starting a nature v. nurture argument, I think those are more “how you raise your child” rather than “where did these eggs come from.”

*Highly intelligent with high IQ, SAT Scores & GPA (Please Include Scores)
Hurry up and get your transcripts, ladies! It would help to include letters of recommendation from 3 professors.

* Attractive  * At healthy body weight
No fatties, please. No uglies, either, for that matter.

Gifted, hot, slender, compassionate, responsible, fertile? And the hunt for the Unicorn continues. 

But I guess if they’re paying $20,000, they’re willing to pay for designer quality and aren’t going to settle for just anyone’s bargain-basement, slightly irregular DNA.

Also of note:
*It was found in the “Etcetera Jobs” section.
There are so many “we need your eggs” posts there, they should change the category to “Eggs-cetera.”

* “Please e-mail us in confidence… including your age, SAT Scores verbal/math etc., highlighting what you feel is special about you and whatever other information you feel comfortable sharing,”

* “…with a recent photo if possible”

* “…to lovingjewishcouple@yahoo.com”

I’m going to try positing an argument to them, via email, that my eggs are not aware whether or not they are Jewish. They have no religious, spiritual, or socio-political leanings yet. My eggs will believe whatever they want to believe when they are ready to make that sort of decision, and I will accept them no matter what; that’s the kind of relationship we have.

Also, I don’t have a recent photo of my eggs. The one I have is a few years old and doesn’t do them justice.

I might write a “Who needs some Eggs – Fire Sale” post and get rid of some of mine. It’s like the 5 bags of clothing I recently donated to the thrift store – if I’m not using them, someone else may as well.

After reading this I had to wonder if people still cling to the nineties and fashion naval jewelry. Aside from the news itself, the most upsetting part of this posting was the message that accompanied the title. I will paste it into this passage so you may read for yourself. Nothing I could say could compare to the mere description of said jewelry.

Hello!
So in cleaning out my jewlery box, I’ve come across a few belly button rings that I no longer wear. Mostly curved barbells in a 14 gauge. One is clear plastic balls, one is multicolored an sparkly, one is a blacklight ring that looks yellow and white in regular light, a twisted black metal one, a white ball one, a blue metal with a clear “diamond” and a sheild that you can put on any belly button ring. I’m located in Jackson Heights, off of the 7 train. Thanks.

Aside from the poor grammar, you’re not going to make a good sales person (free or not) if one of your main selling points involves a black-light. The diminishing franchise of Spencer Gifts should illustrate my point. I also feel that most people aren’t so much going to jump at something with the word diamond surrounded by quotation marks.

1. Free Manure

Thank God! I was just saying the other day how sick and tired I was for having to fork over cash for my horse dookie.

Free seasoned horse manure!
Shovel all you need yourself OR I will load YOUR truck or trailer with my loader for a small loading fee. I will now deliver a load in my dump trailer. Trailer holds an estimated 5 yards. Delivery WITHIN THE TOWN of BROOKHAVEN only. Charge depends on location in the town. The Manure is free.
I can arrange to have up to 30 yards delivered onto the north fork for a very reasonable trucking fee.

30 yards of manure you say? I would have assumed that we would measure manure in weight rather than distance. This manure is also seasoned, whatever that means. Call me a city slicker, but with what does one season manure and more importantly, what poor son of a b*tch call this a job? I must commend this gentleman on how easy he is making transporting the dung. If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s lots of red tape at the manure depot.

1. 10 packs of pita bread—6 pieces to a pack

I can only assume that this is the result of either a failed diet or Mediterranean themed restaurant. The listing itself is quick and matter of fact: 1^st come, 1^st serve, followed with “Steve” and a phone number. This probably should have been my #5, but I really want to know why someone doesn’t just freeze the stuff and eat it slowly? The more I thought about why someone would give away food via craigslist, the more I wondered how lazy is Steve? Is there not a shelter or church that this food could be made to better use instead of trying to start a c-list bidding war? I guess I could go back and forth with this for years. After all, they still don’t know who killed Kennedy.

1. Three Years of Play Girl Magazines For FREE FREE FREE

Over 36 playgirl magazines MINT for free. No space. Must go this weekend. Please Call April Davids

Wow! The imagination just goes wild with why someone suddenly needs to get rid of a bunch of porn. All I can wonder is what sort of responses this could have possibly evoked. I’m glad to see, however, that rather than just dumping 3 years worth of porn into the nearest dumpster that some effort has been made to find it a nice home.

1. Two Chickens for Free

When I first came across this title I assumed it was another person giving away food. When I clicked on the listing to confirm my assumption my jaw proceeded to slack.

hello i bought these 2 little chicks for my kids on easter..and now they are about 4 weeks old old and growing..i dont want to bring them back to the pet store..so if you have a yard and know how to care for chickens..there yours. one is yellow and one is black with some white

Stop rubbing your eyes, that’s right, live baby chickens. The most entertaining part of this ad would be the implied “surprise” the author received when the chickens began to mature. It brings me great joy that this author offered us the back story of how he/she attempted to return the chicks. I can only wonder how that went down,

“…excuse me, these chickens started grow up. I have my receipt; can I have my money back?” Maybe, “When I purchased these chickens, no one told me that they would grow-up and not remain babies indefinitely, I’d like my money back please.” My third and final scenario, “Hi, I bought these chickens and realized that I have no idea how to care for baby chickens. What is your return policy?”

When your present is living, make sure of a few things. First, ask yourself, “Is an upper west side apartment, live-stock appropriate?” Next, remember that much like your own offspring, all baby things grow-up. Lastly, your brain is located in your head. Your head is that lump three feet above your ass.

5: Sawdust

This post is noteworthy not just because I can’t think of many practical uses for sawdust beyond absorbing liquids (ie: vomit in elementary school cafeterias). It’s the way in which the poster seems to be positing a true or false question followed by a phone number:

“Cabinet shop has lots of sawdust. ” And that’s it. I should call and say, “true,” because I’d imagine that’s true.

4: Grass Clippings
Again – this is all in how the post is phrased:
“have lawn full of grass if you want the clippings come on over and take them. my address is 9 old state rd in media ask for Mr. John Cooper Thank you.”
Sounds like Mr. Cooper wants you to come and mow his lawn in exchange for all the clippings you can rake, bag and haul away.

3: Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt!
Um, why didn’t you just say so!
Yes, that’s 4 times the poster said “dirt” in the heading. 3 times just wasn’t enough. Right off the bat, he addresses the obvious:
“why pay for whats free?” Interesting. I’m listening, go on…
“In my backyard I have about a ton of dirt and stone mix. Decorative brick chips were shoveled off, with some underlying dirt as well.”
Sounds good, but is it all bagged and ready to go?
“It is all bagged and ready to go.”
SOLD! What an effective ad campaign for free dirt.

But the top two need little to no elaboration:

2. Kombucha babies [Tea claimed to be a fountain of youth, made from scary yeast patties you have to grow in huge jars. Look it up on Wikipedia.]

“i started brewing my own kombucha and have lots of babies/ SCOBY’s. i would rather give them away than throw them away. i can also give you a cup or so of starter. you must meet me near where i live, 49th and springfield (evenings/ weekends).”

Sometimes I miss living in West Philly. And also: gross.
There is a tie for #1.

1b: Tracheotomy Supplies
“I have a bunch of tracheotomy supplies. Free to anyone that needs them. Had a temporary trach and have way more supplies than were needed. Email and we can arrange pick up or prepaid shipping. I would rather not throw these in the trash and a hospital/doctors office cannot take them. I”

(Yes, it does end in I. Maybe he or she needed those supplies after all.)

I didn’t know what I was looking for – until I saw this.

1a: Salt looking for pepper (Havertown)

Sounds like a Personal ad misplaced on curb alert, but no.

“I have one salt or pepper shaker…broke the other one before I even used them. Can anyone use just one? It’s Mikasa “Garden Splendor” with what looks to be a silver plate top. 5 inches tall. Maybe you just need new tops? Hate to just throw it away.”

Did your grammy write this? Or is this a sign that
“The Great Depression 2: Back in Black” is underway?

So lonely. So cold.