All but this one, I should say.

1) “Free 1986 Pontiac Grand Am…

Whoa, what?

….Owner’s Manual”

Of course.

“Used paperback in good condition. About 5 pages have pen or pencil marking. Please pick up in Quakertown or we can mail it for honest shipping charge. Thanks.”

Well, kick-start my heart and pour some sugar on me! I already have the 1985 and the 1987 owners manuals, so I guess it’s time to complete my set. I sincerely hope those pencil markings are lyrics to “Hot for Teacher.”

Since the last time you saw a 1986 Pontiac Grand Am was underneath Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video, here you go:

I just want to tie up my oversized button-down shirt, grab a chamois and get to sudsing, don’t you?

BLUE SPRUSE TREE (NE PHILA)

While this one didn’t quite qualify, it’s worth repeating. And yes, that’s how he or she spelled spruce.

“LOOKING FOR ANYONE THAT WANTS A 45 FOOT BLUE SPRUCE. IT IS STILL IN THE GROUND IN GREAT SHAPE. LOOKING FOR SOMEONE THAT WANTS IT TO DIG IT UP OR CUT IT DOWN.”

I think the most important element of this post is the “dig it up” option. I’d like to transplant a 45-foot tree in my back yard, but I guess I’d better hope there’s not a lot of traffic back to Philly. Vertically or horizontally, that’s going to be a lot of bungee cords.

And now for the winners…

5. Men’s rollerblades

I was hoping that this post would be the rollerblade owner’s long overdue epiphany that rollerblading is as embarrassing as slipping on a puddle of your own drool.

Not at all.

“Black molded vinyl shell with soft, removable boot inside; buckle closure; 4 in-line wheels
One pair Men’s size 12
Free to a good home!”

It seems this person has adopted the “If you love something, give it away for free on the internet” philosophy. He wants someone to give it a caring, fur-ever home. He will likely insist on a home inspection to make sure you have a fenced in back yard and that you have no other aggressive rollerblades already living with you that may pose a threat.

4. FREE ORGAN!!! WORKS GREAT!!! (Q-town)
At first, I was sure that someone was hocking his internal organs via Craigslist, like a gently-used kidney or as-is liver. It’s not the push, pull or drag organ give-away I was anticipating, but this post is still intriguing.

“wife says, “Gotta Go!!” First come …..first serve Plays well!!
Craig”
I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.
I guess this post is still somewhat mystifying without the image:

3. Free full size zerox copier (gilbertsville,pa 19525)
Looks like we were total suckers when we bought our photocopier off Craigslist last summer for $100. That’s initially what drew me to the post – that and the spelling of Xerox.

“i have an office sized photocopier. it worked fine when last used.”

OK, that sounds reasonable. Then things take a turn.

“its been sitting on my front porch for a couple months, under a roof. not sure if weather has affected it or not. its free if you want it.”

How many photocopiers does one need to have before it’s acceptable to make one ‘the outside photocopier’?

I’m sure his neighbors are sitting on a stained-up couch on their front porch, staring at the photocopier and muttering about how the neighborhood has gone to hell.

I’m also sure – and I’m nobody’s electrician – that leaving a copy machine on your front porch during the winter would likely render it useless.

“Come get it, when its gone i will delete the post. if its not gone by tuesday, it goes to the dump.”

Now he’s suddenly in a hurry? It’s been snowed on for months. Is company coming? Also: sorry, but I don’t appreciate pushy guilt trips from someone who is slightly less responsible than I.

2. free bath gel, costume jewelry & shawl (folcroft)

“i was stood up by the guy who was suppossed to pick this up so it’s on here again–if you want it, please leave me your phone number and i’ll call you and give you my address.”

Oh, the seedy underbelly of Curb Alert. Is this 90% of the “Lure Young Girls to Your Van – Starter Kit”? Maybe he’s keeping the teacup set and candy in case he has company. Too soon?

“fast pick up wanted preferably tonight or tomorrow. Thanks”

Pay no mind to the tag that says “Crime Scene Evidence.”

I just got the creepy shivers. Did you?

Nothing lightens the mood quite like….

1. Toilet lid – Beige.
In good shape (South Philly, 24th and Jackson)

Oh, the used toilet lid – that old chestnut. I know it may seem like an obvious choice, but there is a reason things become classic.

What’s this I hear about you just giving away a toilet lid? Talk to me, post – sell me.
“Title says it all.”
Straight and to the point. I like your MO. What’s the history? Does it have papers?
“Was removed during a remodel.”
I’d be crazy to pass this by. When is the earliest I can pick it up?
“Available Sunday morning.”
I’ll swing by after church. How’s 6:45 am?

5: Sawdust

This post is noteworthy not just because I can’t think of many practical uses for sawdust beyond absorbing liquids (ie: vomit in elementary school cafeterias). It’s the way in which the poster seems to be positing a true or false question followed by a phone number:

“Cabinet shop has lots of sawdust. ” And that’s it. I should call and say, “true,” because I’d imagine that’s true.

4: Grass Clippings
Again – this is all in how the post is phrased:
“have lawn full of grass if you want the clippings come on over and take them. my address is 9 old state rd in media ask for Mr. John Cooper Thank you.”
Sounds like Mr. Cooper wants you to come and mow his lawn in exchange for all the clippings you can rake, bag and haul away.

3: Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt!
Um, why didn’t you just say so!
Yes, that’s 4 times the poster said “dirt” in the heading. 3 times just wasn’t enough. Right off the bat, he addresses the obvious:
“why pay for whats free?” Interesting. I’m listening, go on…
“In my backyard I have about a ton of dirt and stone mix. Decorative brick chips were shoveled off, with some underlying dirt as well.”
Sounds good, but is it all bagged and ready to go?
“It is all bagged and ready to go.”
SOLD! What an effective ad campaign for free dirt.

But the top two need little to no elaboration:

2. Kombucha babies [Tea claimed to be a fountain of youth, made from scary yeast patties you have to grow in huge jars. Look it up on Wikipedia.]

“i started brewing my own kombucha and have lots of babies/ SCOBY’s. i would rather give them away than throw them away. i can also give you a cup or so of starter. you must meet me near where i live, 49th and springfield (evenings/ weekends).”

Sometimes I miss living in West Philly. And also: gross.
There is a tie for #1.

1b: Tracheotomy Supplies
“I have a bunch of tracheotomy supplies. Free to anyone that needs them. Had a temporary trach and have way more supplies than were needed. Email and we can arrange pick up or prepaid shipping. I would rather not throw these in the trash and a hospital/doctors office cannot take them. I”

(Yes, it does end in I. Maybe he or she needed those supplies after all.)

I didn’t know what I was looking for – until I saw this.

1a: Salt looking for pepper (Havertown)

Sounds like a Personal ad misplaced on curb alert, but no.

“I have one salt or pepper shaker…broke the other one before I even used them. Can anyone use just one? It’s Mikasa “Garden Splendor” with what looks to be a silver plate top. 5 inches tall. Maybe you just need new tops? Hate to just throw it away.”

Did your grammy write this? Or is this a sign that
“The Great Depression 2: Back in Black” is underway?

So lonely. So cold.