According to the Guardian, minks, pet turtles, gross moths and a slew of plants have taken over the banks of Britain. Causes? Climate shifts and human introduction (read: farming) have caused these undesirables to destroy food supplies, overrun habitats and compromise the biodiversity of the island’s natural wildlife.

That fur coat your Aunt Donna ditched in ‘94? “Farmed until the 1980s, hungry escaped minks are blamed for the collapse in water vole numbers.”

Remember your pet turtle that outgrew its terrarium and went to live on a farm upstate? The Guardian says of the red-eared terrapin: “Originally from the US, these foot-long former pets can terrorise ducklings.” Ducklings? Not the ducklings! Oh, the horror.

We’re at fault, but it’s now the duckling-terrorists’ problem. And when i say “duckling-terrorists” I don’t mean that the ducklings are terrorists. Their solution? They will be creating web-based education on the topic. To view that, go to www.myspace.com/Britain/kill_these_things.

Also, “…they will be countered by a special rapid response unit…,” a top secret effort sanctioned by the government. Since I don’t know what that means, I can only speculate their plans: boatloads of club-wielding, big-haired ladies from North Jersey will flood Great Britain’s banks looking for new coats. And they will be led by Karl Lagerfeld. Fierce.

Read The Article I’ve been talking about

Run, Harvey, run!… Run and don’t look back to see me cry.