BLUE SPRUSE TREE (NE PHILA)

While this one didn’t quite qualify, it’s worth repeating. And yes, that’s how he or she spelled spruce.

“LOOKING FOR ANYONE THAT WANTS A 45 FOOT BLUE SPRUCE. IT IS STILL IN THE GROUND IN GREAT SHAPE. LOOKING FOR SOMEONE THAT WANTS IT TO DIG IT UP OR CUT IT DOWN.”

I think the most important element of this post is the “dig it up” option. I’d like to transplant a 45-foot tree in my back yard, but I guess I’d better hope there’s not a lot of traffic back to Philly. Vertically or horizontally, that’s going to be a lot of bungee cords.

And now for the winners…

5. Men’s rollerblades

I was hoping that this post would be the rollerblade owner’s long overdue epiphany that rollerblading is as embarrassing as slipping on a puddle of your own drool.

Not at all.

“Black molded vinyl shell with soft, removable boot inside; buckle closure; 4 in-line wheels
One pair Men’s size 12
Free to a good home!”

It seems this person has adopted the “If you love something, give it away for free on the internet” philosophy. He wants someone to give it a caring, fur-ever home. He will likely insist on a home inspection to make sure you have a fenced in back yard and that you have no other aggressive rollerblades already living with you that may pose a threat.

4. FREE ORGAN!!! WORKS GREAT!!! (Q-town)
At first, I was sure that someone was hocking his internal organs via Craigslist, like a gently-used kidney or as-is liver. It’s not the push, pull or drag organ give-away I was anticipating, but this post is still intriguing.

“wife says, “Gotta Go!!” First come …..first serve Plays well!!
Craig”
I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.
I guess this post is still somewhat mystifying without the image:

3. Free full size zerox copier (gilbertsville,pa 19525)
Looks like we were total suckers when we bought our photocopier off Craigslist last summer for $100. That’s initially what drew me to the post – that and the spelling of Xerox.

“i have an office sized photocopier. it worked fine when last used.”

OK, that sounds reasonable. Then things take a turn.

“its been sitting on my front porch for a couple months, under a roof. not sure if weather has affected it or not. its free if you want it.”

How many photocopiers does one need to have before it’s acceptable to make one ‘the outside photocopier’?

I’m sure his neighbors are sitting on a stained-up couch on their front porch, staring at the photocopier and muttering about how the neighborhood has gone to hell.

I’m also sure – and I’m nobody’s electrician – that leaving a copy machine on your front porch during the winter would likely render it useless.

“Come get it, when its gone i will delete the post. if its not gone by tuesday, it goes to the dump.”

Now he’s suddenly in a hurry? It’s been snowed on for months. Is company coming? Also: sorry, but I don’t appreciate pushy guilt trips from someone who is slightly less responsible than I.

2. free bath gel, costume jewelry & shawl (folcroft)

“i was stood up by the guy who was suppossed to pick this up so it’s on here again–if you want it, please leave me your phone number and i’ll call you and give you my address.”

Oh, the seedy underbelly of Curb Alert. Is this 90% of the “Lure Young Girls to Your Van – Starter Kit”? Maybe he’s keeping the teacup set and candy in case he has company. Too soon?

“fast pick up wanted preferably tonight or tomorrow. Thanks”

Pay no mind to the tag that says “Crime Scene Evidence.”

I just got the creepy shivers. Did you?

Nothing lightens the mood quite like….

1. Toilet lid – Beige.
In good shape (South Philly, 24th and Jackson)

Oh, the used toilet lid – that old chestnut. I know it may seem like an obvious choice, but there is a reason things become classic.

What’s this I hear about you just giving away a toilet lid? Talk to me, post – sell me.
“Title says it all.”
Straight and to the point. I like your MO. What’s the history? Does it have papers?
“Was removed during a remodel.”
I’d be crazy to pass this by. When is the earliest I can pick it up?
“Available Sunday morning.”
I’ll swing by after church. How’s 6:45 am?

Here, Dana gives us another reason why there’s nothing sacred in NYC – especially the Pope – when you’re running late for brunch.

Stop on by her blog, Party in the Back, for all the 80’s hotness of a young Olivia Newton John and the current event sexitude of Lewis Black.

The Pope (robes, vestments, pointy hats and all) is in New York this weekend, speaking at the UN, visiting churches, shaking hands with important people, saying mass at Yankee Stadium, and generally spending a weekend in New York doing Popely things. This is an historic visit to the States, and many people are up in arms about the fact that this Pope, unlike John Paul II, seems reluctant to actually apologize for the (shit tons of) indiscretions in American parishes between priests and young boys. He claims to be ashamed, but he just won’t say sorry. So everyone’s feathers are falling out all over the place and while many people don’t want him here, most are pretty curious to get a look. He is the freakin’ Pope after all, the holiest of the holy human form representatives and proof to us on earth that God, if nothing else, has a fabulously flamboyant taste in capes and robes.

But this isn’t about the Pope.

In order for the Pope to travel from Papal Point A to Papal Point B in NYC today, the city decided to close off Park Avenue for many blocks in both directions, so that he could travel uninterrupted uptown on the downtown side of the street. The City of New York doesn’t just “close off streets” whenever and for no reason, usually it has to be something pretty big that’s happening. I heard several people say that the closing of such a big street as Park reminded them of 9/11. So for the City of New York to decide that something is worth closing the street off for, it probably trumps pretty much anything that’s going on in your day.

Some people don’t see it that way.

So Park is closed and I’m on the North West corner of 70th and Park waiting to see the Pope ride by in his limo (not the Popemobile—shafted!). Once the cops knew that the procession was going to come by within the next fifteen minutes, they stopped letting people cross Park on either side. Many people when told they couldn’t cross simply obliged or asked where it was they could cross. But then there were the others, those important only to those, who tried desperately to cross the street despite the fact that it was closed. When told they couldn’t cross, and had to wait until the Pope procession passed, they began the dramatic readings of their life stories. “But I’m only going over there.” “But I live on the other side of the street.” “Look at me, I’m not a threat, I just have to get to a meeting.” And my personal favorite, spoken by a woman using a single tissue to shield her head from the sun’s rays, “I’m late for lunch on that side. I’m hungry. My friends are waiting.” Who the fuck do these people think they are? I’ll tell you who they aren’t. The Pope. And that’s pretty much the only person who was allowed in the street besides cops. But that didn’t stop them as they nattered on, wrapped so tightly in their day to day they’ve become selfish, ignorant and annoying larvae, completely unaware that their oh-so-important schedule means absolutely nothing to the bigger picture. It got to the point that I wished that one of them (lady with tissue, please please) would just have gotten so tangled in themselves that they bucked the idea of dealing with the cop, and as the procession drove by just tried to hail the Pope’s limo as if it were a cab—if only to witness the car stop, the Pope roll down his window, lean out to the lady and say, “No Brooklyn.”