Not to worry, I wont’ launch into all of fate’s cruel parlor tricks of the week, but there are a few highlights that I would love to share with the rest of the “feeling circle.” Roughly four weeks ago, Monday morning I sat down at my desk and began the week’s tasks. My inbox had a message from my CEO with a 12:45 AM time stamp and the title, “New Marketing Language” in the subject line. I already felt my stomach begin to churn in the same way as when I purchase breakfast from a street vendor. Inside the email read the following,

“I think we need to change our company statement from a multi-cultural brand to a multi-global brand. Kelly, can you work with the webmaster and the PR firm this morning to get this project under-way?”

I had to re-read the email seven or eight more times to ensure that I was in fact not high. I wasn’t sure what would be less painful, explaining to my boss that most companies only market to Earth and not the other planets or simply adhering to his wishes and allowing myself and the rest of my colleagues to look like utter morons. I decided to take the trickier of the two tasks and approached my boss after the morning meeting. Before I could clear up what the term, “multi-global brand” suggested, he walked by me as if I were a mirage and left the office. It was then that I had realized a third option; pretend that the email never existed in the first place. This seemed to work flawlessly until this past Monday.

I rolled into the office early to try and get caught up on work since I had spent the better portion of the previous Friday enjoying you tube and lounging in Madison Square Park. The first email waiting in my inbox was what turned out to be the inevitable, a follow-up email from my boss regarding the “multi-global” project. I felt my colon constrict almost immediately and I knew it was now or never. I walked up to the door and stood there for a moment trying to figure out the nicest way to tell someone that they were an idiot. I entered the office and tried to remain as calm as possible. After a brief exchange, I managed to delicately explain that multi-global implies that we are marketing to such exotic locations as Mars, Neptune and Uranus. I purposely said Uranus because I knew he would find it funny, make a joke that would make me off-the-charts uncomfortable and most importantly, see my point. Thankfully, he did and I was able to get out of the situation mostly unscathed.

This was pretty much the litmus for the week ahead and by no means was I prepared for the surprises that presented themselves. I did, however, find solace before it was all said and done. Not the kind of solace that involves me filling my coffee mug with the boxed merlot we have laying around. It is the kind found in the SNL sketch below. Happy Friday and enjoy.

Vincet Price Thanksgiving Special